I probably need to start seeing a counselor again. I can't afford it. I've seen counselors before. One of them really helped. I wish she hadn't moved away.
There are things, though, that I know I won't tell any counselor. I can't say these things to family or friends either. I'd never be able to see them again; I couldn't look at someone and know that he/she knew. There are things that other people can just never know about me, and these are things that haunt me the most. They're so embarrassing, so upsetting. Some of them are not my fault, but some are. I can't talk about them in anything but vague terms.
On days like today, I hate myself. I hate who I have let myself become. I hate the things I do. I hate the things I don't do. I spent the morning volunteering, trying to remind myself that lots of people have it harder, and that worked for a while. Then things slowed down, and I started thinking about how
terrible I am, how I've done some of these things to myself, how my family would blame me if I talked to them about it.
I really just can't stand myself right now.