I probably need to start seeing a counselor again. I can't afford it. I've seen counselors before. One of them really helped. I wish she hadn't moved away.
There are things, though, that I know I won't tell any counselor. I can't say these things to family or friends either. I'd never be able to see them again; I couldn't look at someone and know that he/she knew. There are things that other people can just never know about me, and these are things that haunt me the most. They're so embarrassing, so upsetting. Some of them are not my fault, but some are. I can't talk about them in anything but vague terms.
On days like today, I hate myself. I hate who I have let myself become. I hate the things I do. I hate the things I don't do. I spent the morning volunteering, trying to remind myself that lots of people have it harder, and that worked for a while. Then things slowed down, and I started thinking about how
terrible I am, how I've done some of these things to myself, how my family would blame me if I talked to them about it.
I really just can't stand myself right now.
Hugs honey. Wish I had a magic cure for you, but know we care about you.
ReplyDeletePlease remember that there are people that WON'T blame you or judge you or dump you no matter what they "know" about you! I care, and MANY others do too! I hope you start feeling better soon, please let me know if there is ever a time you need to vent....sometimes a perfect stranger is JUST the thing you need to alleviate fears and stresses....seriously, been there and I can listen without judging or offering advice or interrupting!!
ReplyDeletemy email address is: elaineg0707@sbcglobal.net
Sending hugs and hope----Elaine
Thank you both, Tam & Elaine. I appreciate the support more than you can know. Yesterday was one of the worst days I've had in a long time. I'm headed to my parents' for Christmas today. I'm nervous about that, but I'm hoping a few days away will help. *hugs*
ReplyDelete*BIG SQUISHY HUGS*
ReplyDeleteI wish I could help. I can empathize and sympathize, but all I can really do from here is to ask you to not be so hard on yourself. Please.
Thanks, Chris. I do appreciate your support and friendship. I am feeling better now. I just hit a low and had some tough days.
DeleteI don't know what I can say or do that might help at all, but...*hugs & warm fuzzies*
ReplyDeleteI'm still working on opening up and tell the therapist what is truly haunting me...mostly beacause I have a huge problem articulating my feelings. And even then I can hear her responses, but not believe that they apply to me. I'm lucky she is OK at repeating herself :) And I'm lucky that I feel that she is someone I can talk to. It took me three goes to find her. It's hard to remember, but we're only human. We make mistakes. We make many mistakes. Sometimes we repeat them. I know I do :) But we're not just our mistakes. And you're not just your mistakes, even if you can't see that ATM. I hope you find a therapist that you can develop a good relationship with. Because even though you may not feel like it ATM you deserve to be happy.
*hugs & warm fuzzies*
Thanks, Orannia. I do seem to get caught in cycles of repeating the same mistakes over and over. I get so frustrated with myself. I am feeling better now. A lot better. Thanks so much for your support and kind words.
DeleteI feel like I'm endlessly repeating the same actions hoping for a different outcome. It's...knowing how to change the patten...what to change..that is hard.
ReplyDeleteGlad you're feeling a lot better and any time! *hugs*