Sorry I haven't been posting or commenting lately. I'm a bad friend, I know. Heck, I barely tweet anymore.
School has be rough. I'm on a committee that has been meeting after school most days until 5:00 or later; plus, the kids are getting wild not that we're almost to the end of the year.
I've also avoided being online simply because I feel like I don't have anything positive to share. I've worked really hard the past few months to keep myself upbeat, but when I start typing, I wind up thinking/talking about things that are really hard.
My dad has been diagnosed with prostate cancer and is also in A-fib (atrial fibrillation). His doctor has put him on blood thinners, but he also needs a stent leading to the base of his brain.
On top of that, my mom casually mentioned last night that her level 3 kidney disease has changed to level 2, which is worse. I hit the roof because she had never bothered to tell any of us that she even had kidney disease.
So that's it.
May 11, 2013
Apr 14, 2013
Sunday
I've spent this Sunday quietly. I girded my loins and braved Walmart. Afterwards, I graded papers, read a bit, and took a nap. The nap was a bad idea. I had horrible, stressful dreams. This makes me scared about trying to sleep tonight.
Yesterday was a good day. I did my volunteering stint, and that always makes me feel good. Afterwards, though, I slipped into a funk that has been hard to shake.
Friday was bad at work. It wasn't the students who made it that way. They were pretty good. I have a teacher's assistant who oversteps her boundaries. She is assigned to work with one student in my room, but she doesn't let him advocate for himself. I hear too much of her and not enough of him. She tried to passive-aggressively challenge me about the student's grade on Friday. First, that's none of her business. Secondly, she did it by loudly talking about it to other students during my class. For the first time in all my years of teaching, I had to call an adult into the hallway during class. I have had assistants before, and I would welcome those ladies back in my room any day because they understood that students need to be allowed to try to do as much as possible rather than being babied. After this student graduates, he's not going to have her to be his voice. He has to be allowed to develop that voice now. I'm so frustrated.
I hope everyone has had a good weekend.
Apr 8, 2013
I'm alive
I'm alive and lurking. I just haven't had anything to say. If there's anyone still out there who might be reading this, I apologize for not keeping up.
Work has kept me very busy. The semester changed, and I got some very challenging students. Many of them are sweet, but they have their troubles. There was one who from day one decided to be a trial. She was blatantly rude and disruptive. I tried talking to her privately and calling home. Nothing worked. Two weeks into the semester, I told one of the admins that this girl was just plain mean. I rarely say that about a student. I usually can find something good to say. Not an hour later, I heard shouting in the hallway. This girl had jumped another student from behind and then kicked her in the face. Later, I found out that she had called home and told her parents she was going to do that beforehand. The parents did not bother to call the school to try to stop it.
Like I said, I also have some very sweet kids. I've been doing some journal assignments with them, and I've learned a lot about them. Several of them are from broken homes. That's no surprise. Some of them have parents dealing with serious illnesses. Some have even opened up about different types of abuse. It's hard to read their writings and respond, but I try my best.
We've just finished reading Romeo and Juliet. Most of the students enjoyed it, and we did several fun activities. Even the ones who grumbled about it in the beginning got into it.
Last week was spring break. I visited my parents. It took fewer than twenty-four hours for my mom to have me in tears. I was tempted to walk out and come back home, but I stayed. I know my parents are stressed right now. My dad's oldest sister has been put in a nursing home, and my parents and his other sister are trying to take care of her, etc. It has been quite a challenge for them, and I know they are exhausted. My aunt pretends she can't do things that she can do; plus, she refuses her therapy and can't walk on her own. It's a struggle to get her to eat or even sit up. She says/does one thing in front of my mom and acts differently in front of my other aunt, who then accuses my mom of lying. They make me feel like I should move back to help, and I guess it makes me a bad person, but I can't do that. I just can't.
With all this staying offline, I have managed to read 100 of my 430 books for the year.
Well, that's all I have. I hope everyone is well.
Work has kept me very busy. The semester changed, and I got some very challenging students. Many of them are sweet, but they have their troubles. There was one who from day one decided to be a trial. She was blatantly rude and disruptive. I tried talking to her privately and calling home. Nothing worked. Two weeks into the semester, I told one of the admins that this girl was just plain mean. I rarely say that about a student. I usually can find something good to say. Not an hour later, I heard shouting in the hallway. This girl had jumped another student from behind and then kicked her in the face. Later, I found out that she had called home and told her parents she was going to do that beforehand. The parents did not bother to call the school to try to stop it.
Like I said, I also have some very sweet kids. I've been doing some journal assignments with them, and I've learned a lot about them. Several of them are from broken homes. That's no surprise. Some of them have parents dealing with serious illnesses. Some have even opened up about different types of abuse. It's hard to read their writings and respond, but I try my best.
We've just finished reading Romeo and Juliet. Most of the students enjoyed it, and we did several fun activities. Even the ones who grumbled about it in the beginning got into it.
Last week was spring break. I visited my parents. It took fewer than twenty-four hours for my mom to have me in tears. I was tempted to walk out and come back home, but I stayed. I know my parents are stressed right now. My dad's oldest sister has been put in a nursing home, and my parents and his other sister are trying to take care of her, etc. It has been quite a challenge for them, and I know they are exhausted. My aunt pretends she can't do things that she can do; plus, she refuses her therapy and can't walk on her own. It's a struggle to get her to eat or even sit up. She says/does one thing in front of my mom and acts differently in front of my other aunt, who then accuses my mom of lying. They make me feel like I should move back to help, and I guess it makes me a bad person, but I can't do that. I just can't.
With all this staying offline, I have managed to read 100 of my 430 books for the year.
Well, that's all I have. I hope everyone is well.
Dec 31, 2012
Happy New Year, Update, & Reading
I hope everyone is having a safe and fabulous New Year's Eve.
For those of you who have asked, I'm feeling better. I had some tough days in December 2012, but I survived them. I am thankful for all the kind, supportive friends who sent me positive thoughts and prayers.
I just checked my reading challenge stats. I had hoped to read 350 works in 2012. Notice I said "works." I include novels, novellas, and short stories in my count. I didn't make that goal in 2011, but for 2012 I exceeded it. I'm ending the year at 429. That's 123% of my goal. I'm glad Goodreads did that math because I wouldn't have on my own. :) I'm thinking about my goal for 2013. I'm considering making it 429 since that's what I managed for this year. Hmm...
For those of you who have asked, I'm feeling better. I had some tough days in December 2012, but I survived them. I am thankful for all the kind, supportive friends who sent me positive thoughts and prayers.
I just checked my reading challenge stats. I had hoped to read 350 works in 2012. Notice I said "works." I include novels, novellas, and short stories in my count. I didn't make that goal in 2011, but for 2012 I exceeded it. I'm ending the year at 429. That's 123% of my goal. I'm glad Goodreads did that math because I wouldn't have on my own. :) I'm thinking about my goal for 2013. I'm considering making it 429 since that's what I managed for this year. Hmm...
Dec 22, 2012
It's hard right now.
I've been plagued with anxiety attacks over the past few days. This isn't just a little nervousness. I get physically ill. My feet and hands freeze. Sometimes I can't breathe. I cry uncontrollably. I try to hide it. I really do. I just can't anymore.
I probably need to start seeing a counselor again. I can't afford it. I've seen counselors before. One of them really helped. I wish she hadn't moved away.
There are things, though, that I know I won't tell any counselor. I can't say these things to family or friends either. I'd never be able to see them again; I couldn't look at someone and know that he/she knew. There are things that other people can just never know about me, and these are things that haunt me the most. They're so embarrassing, so upsetting. Some of them are not my fault, but some are. I can't talk about them in anything but vague terms.
On days like today, I hate myself. I hate who I have let myself become. I hate the things I do. I hate the things I don't do. I spent the morning volunteering, trying to remind myself that lots of people have it harder, and that worked for a while. Then things slowed down, and I started thinking about how
I probably need to start seeing a counselor again. I can't afford it. I've seen counselors before. One of them really helped. I wish she hadn't moved away.
There are things, though, that I know I won't tell any counselor. I can't say these things to family or friends either. I'd never be able to see them again; I couldn't look at someone and know that he/she knew. There are things that other people can just never know about me, and these are things that haunt me the most. They're so embarrassing, so upsetting. Some of them are not my fault, but some are. I can't talk about them in anything but vague terms.
On days like today, I hate myself. I hate who I have let myself become. I hate the things I do. I hate the things I don't do. I spent the morning volunteering, trying to remind myself that lots of people have it harder, and that worked for a while. Then things slowed down, and I started thinking about how
terrible I am, how I've done some of these things to myself, how my family would blame me if I talked to them about it.
I really just can't stand myself right now.
Dec 14, 2012
It's all my fault. Part 2
Yes, it's my fault your kid never took advantage of the retests I offered and posted online.
It's my fault your kid didn't know about the extra credit that I announced in class and posted online.
When you say that I refuse to help your daughter but help other kids, what can I say? You have made up your mind. Everything I tell you is a lie. Your daughter is perfect. I shouldn't have counted those questions wrong when she choose to leave them blank. I shouldn't have given a reading check quiz. I shouldn't have assumed your daughter read those five pages I assigned. I should not expect her to open the notebook and find the answer on the handout I gave her. I should not have told her to try something on her own before I just handed her the answer. I should not have told her that she should use a dictionary when the question was for her to define a word.
Yes, it's my fault your daughter has a C. I'm the person who made the decision decades ago that makes an 82 a C. I'm the mathematician who randomly decided that math is math & numbers average the way they do.
Dec 13, 2012
Dec 9, 2012
I can't get out of bed.
I haven't been one-hundred percent honest with myself and others lately. I've been doing my best to act as if things are better than they are. Truth is, things have been worse for me in the past, so I feel a bit guilty for not being able to appreciate that every day.
If it weren't for work and volunteering, I wouldn't get out of bed. I don't have the physical or mental energy. I pour 120% of myself into teaching and grading papers because I can't let the kids down, but there isn't anything left for me. I'm not going to the gym any more. Heck, I've spent entire weekends barely leaving my bed. My life outside work is piling up. I've procrastinated about doing simple things because those simple things just seem so hard right now. I feel like I'm letting people down.
I know part of this is the weather/time of year. It's almost Christmas and almost my birthday. I'm waiting for my father's yearly tantrum and wondering how I'll be able to escape it.
I haven't bought a single Christmas gift. I may just do a last minute stop at a gift card kiosk.
I'm worried about some students. One who has only been in my class a little over a month is being just awful some days. His mom blames everyone but him. We've scheduled conferences with her, but she never shows up. He won't do anything. I've talked, begged, fussed, taken him to principals and counselors, but he just won't try. I'm at my wit's end with this one.
Sorry about the pity party. I just needed to vent.
If it weren't for work and volunteering, I wouldn't get out of bed. I don't have the physical or mental energy. I pour 120% of myself into teaching and grading papers because I can't let the kids down, but there isn't anything left for me. I'm not going to the gym any more. Heck, I've spent entire weekends barely leaving my bed. My life outside work is piling up. I've procrastinated about doing simple things because those simple things just seem so hard right now. I feel like I'm letting people down.
I know part of this is the weather/time of year. It's almost Christmas and almost my birthday. I'm waiting for my father's yearly tantrum and wondering how I'll be able to escape it.
I haven't bought a single Christmas gift. I may just do a last minute stop at a gift card kiosk.
I'm worried about some students. One who has only been in my class a little over a month is being just awful some days. His mom blames everyone but him. We've scheduled conferences with her, but she never shows up. He won't do anything. I've talked, begged, fussed, taken him to principals and counselors, but he just won't try. I'm at my wit's end with this one.
Sorry about the pity party. I just needed to vent.
Dec 3, 2012
Review: Love Brokers: Mister Romance
Love Brokers: Mister Romance by L.C. Chase
My rating: 4 of 5 stars
This is a cute, humorous story. I wondered how the author would deal with the fact that Jacob has a boyfriend when he and Brant meet. I abhor cheaters, and I hoped that the book wouldn't go in that direction. Thankfully, the author was able to bring about Jacob and Brant's relationship without crossing that line. I'm looking forward to the next book in this series.
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Review: A Hard Winter Rain
A Hard Winter Rain by John Inman
My rating: 4 of 5 stars
Good suspense. This one gets quite graphic and gory, so it isn't for the reader looking for a sweet, easy read. I hope the author plans to write more mysteries.
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Dec 2, 2012
Review: Bridesmen of Madison County
Bridesmen of Madison County by Mark Thornton
My rating: 0 of 5 stars
DNF
I tried. I really tried, but I just couldn't read this one. I made it to page 23 before I gave up.
It was muddled. There were too many characters introduced in a short amount of time. I was lost. I kept feeling like I was missing back stories that would have made it all more clear.
I should have known this wouldn't be the book for me when one of the characters made a comment about someone acting like a "rottweiler with downs syndrome." Really? That is just inexcusable.
I felt so lost in this book that I thought maybe it was a sequel, so I tried to search for other books by the author Mark Thornton. I didn't find anything else by him, but I found this entry on Manic Readers listing B.K. Wright as the author. Maybe that was just a mistake on the website, but I do wonder if they are the same person. I've read a book by Wright, and it was not to my liking either.
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Review: Shy
Shy by John Inman
My rating: 3 of 5 stars
3.5 stars
I enjoyed this book, which is both humorous and sad.
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Review: Turkey in the Snow
Turkey in the Snow by Amy Lane
My rating: 4 of 5 stars
A nice, sweet story. I really enjoyed these characters.
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